From my upcoming book, "Dates From Hell and Other Places."

Alfonso by Elyse Russo   Copyright 2015

What was I thinking?

A man who loved drinking.

My self-esteem was sinking.

We didn’t date for long.

His English wasn’t strong.

I couldn’t speak Spanish.

Although handsome and tall,

He chain-smoked Pall Mall.

Alcoholic for sure,

Not exactly real pure.

An awful catch I’d found

Was a case of rebound.

His career was the worst,

Since he drove a black hearse

And was an embalmer.

I’d ask, How was your day?

And he’d tell me his pay

For each body.

Remember the lady who drowned,

And the man who fell down,

Off the mountain?

I worked on them today,

With great pride he’d say.

And when out on a date,

With anticipation he’d wait

For his pager to start beeping;

Someone had died while sleeping.

A dark time for me,

Soon I set myself free,

He didn’t seem to care,

‘Cause he’d soon have plane fare,

For his wife to come here!

Alan

Alan                        by Elyse Russo                 copyright 2015

I met Alan at a park,

It was early summer,

His timing was great

Since he was a drummer.

He sang country western,

Songs of heartbreak and pain,

With long dark hair,

In a pony tail mane.

Like a golden retriever,

A big nose and brown eyes,

He looked much sweeter,

Than all the other guys.

We dated for three months,

I’d go to watch him play,

And that was real fun,

In a masochistic sort of way.

'Cause he played in a dive,

I sat all alone,

And he’d only talk to me,

Through his public microphone.

I don’t do the two step,

Or even the three,

And some very strange men,

Would ask to dance with me.

There was another problem,

Alan was quite self-involved,

And every conversation,

About him would revolve.

He’d admit real freely,

And for hours he’d complain,

About his self-absorption,

And emotional pain.

One night at the dive,

While not drinking beer,

I had much more fun,

With a prize baby steer.

He was outside alone,

A big raffle prize,

And I told him my story,

While I gazed in his eyes.

He didn’t say much

But if he were a cow,

He’d say moooove far away

From this guy,

And right now,

So I ended with Alan,

But I still miss the steer

Although he was bovine,

He sure was sincere.