How I Annoy My Husband: Hearing and Seeing at Our House
 
    As previously described, I have some hearing loss following years of teaching kindergarteners.  I don’t like to admit that and it annoys Paul.

    For example, I “turn on the words,” my lingo for using the captions, while watching TV because I missed dialog. I tell Paul, “They talk too fast” since I don’t like to admit I can’t hear well. Usually Paul is one step ahead of me and leaves the captions on or turns them on if they’re off.  

    Even with captions, I miss dialog so with a heavy sigh Paul rewinds the show. Luckily we use a device or service called a DVR. I think that’s what it’s called anyway. But sometimes I miss some speech because I daydream a bit or the show makes me wonder about something else more important like how much do elephants weigh? while we watch a nature show.

    Several times I have almost whispered, “Paul please turn on the words” while watching a movie in the theater. I’ve thought it in my mind anyway.  I also found myself searching for my seatbelt in theaters too, but that’s for a future installment. 

    I think hearing loss can provide some entertainment.  The words I think people say are usually more humorous than what they actually say and often rhyme. Maybe that’s because I used to write poetry.

    For example, when a friend said, “My law firm did divorces,” I heard “My law firm did the horses.” I almost said, “Oh, it’s terrible they were gambling!”

     “I can’t hear you!” I shout at Paul he tells me something from another room in our small house. I can’t imagine how difficult our life would be if we lived in a mansion.  That’s why I don’t ever want one, plus there are a lot of rooms to clean and I tend to accumulate stuff to fit my space, I’ve noticed.

          I’m proud when I can hear all kinds of useless things like roosters crowing while we take our long walks. But I miss important things.

    “You have a text,” Paul tells me when I miss the musical chime on the cell phone. The phone was buried in my purse so of course I couldn’t hear it.

    My vision is a problem too. I have glasses for distance, but at my last appointment the eye doctor said I only need them for driving. I’ve begun to notice I can’t see rabbits, roadrunners, birds, or lizards well on our walks. 

    “Look at the rabbit!” Paul says while pointing in the direction of the cute critter.

    “Where?” 

    “Near the big tree over there.” 

    “What tree?”

     “The one to the left of that blue house”

     “What house?” 

    Paul sighs loudly.

    I also trip on branches and small logs on our nature walks because I can’t see them.  I fly forward, but am usually able to catch myself before I fall.  Very graceful I know.  I think that’s why Paul has nicknamed me “Grace.”

    While on our walk, I often say something like “Oh my goodness!” because I think I see a dead bird or rabbit on the road ahead of us.  As we near the object, I’m relieved to see it’s just a brown rag or branch. Paul sighs and probably rolls his eyes, but I can’t see them.
     I think it’s about time for me to see that doc again.
          

    When wearing glasses, I enjoy seeing individual leaves on trees besides the cute wildlife I’m missing. I am also more sure-footed and see fewer dead animals.

    Sometimes I wonder why I am resistant to wearing my glasses or getting hearing aids. Am I afraid of appearing old? I don’t think so. Glasses require you to remember to wear them and I forget. They take a little while to get used to, and I’m lazy. I don’t think the frames are very attractive. I guess I need new frames. I also like to be au natural.  Not that I go naked outside or anything.

     Hearing aids seem complicated, need maintenance and are expensive. I’m not very good at any sort of mechanical device, I tend to drop things and lose things, and I’m cheap.  But one day Paul will insist I wear my glasses and/or hearing aids and I’ll feel more motivated.  I guess I need to make sure he doesn’t read this.
 

 

 

How I Annoy My Husband: Computers and TV at our House

Paul works from home doing computer software stuff for several companies. Although he’s tried to explain what he does, I still don’t understand it.  He tries to dumb down some of it and that helps. A bit. 

He’ll say something like, “You know when the schools adopt a new reading program because what’s newer seems better?  You used to complain about it being a waste of money. I’m going through something similar at my job.”

I can understand that, but what he actually does while sitting in front of the computer for hours on end is a complete mystery to me.  He doesn’t even attempt to explain that.

Paul works in his study which unfortunately for him, is about ten feet away from my study.  I’ll typically be on the computer writing essays about how I annoy him or researching important things like “Do crows fly south for the winter?” or “What is one hundred and forty divided by five?” when something weird, mysterious, and unexplainable will happen to my computer.  It’ll get really slow, or several windows will open at once, or a key will get stuck, or I won’t be able to open a file, or I won’t be able to find a file, or I’ll delete a file by accident. You get the picture.

In my unusually loud voice I’ll shout, “Sweetie!  Can you please help me?  Something’s happened to my computer!” I remain sitting at the desk to make sure whatever happened doesn’t stop happening.  I can yell pretty well if I do say so myself.  Since I grew up in New York City, I learned how to successfully hail a taxi above the din of traffic.  You can’t just raise your hand. You have to bellow, “TAXI!”  As a retired teacher I also know how to roar “Hey, listen up!” over the noise of 20 kindergarteners.  It’s a lethal ability.

After I scream for help, Paul will usually come running into the room to see what mess I’ve created.  He’s such a helpful guy.  Or he’s just anxious for the yelling to stop.

If he doesn’t come to my aid, I’ll shout again.  All of a sudden I’ll realize he may be on a conference call.  Oops, I’ll think to myself.  I’ll sheepishly walk into his study to find him staring at the screen and listening intently with his headphones on. When he turns towards me I’ll make a face that’s meant to say, I’m sorry! while putting a finger to my lips to signify be quiet.  I guess I’ll be saying it to myself.  I’m really not sure why I’m saying it to him.

Paul will make a stern expression while continuing to listen to his phone call.  He tells me repeatedly to check if he has his on his headphones before I shout for him, but sometimes (often) I forget. 

If he’s available, my husband will quickly solve the problem so he can get back to work.  I attempt to watch him fix whatever he’s just fixed, but he does it so fast I can’t follow him. 

“If you fix a wife’s computer, it’ll be fixed for a day.  If you teach her how to fix her computer, she’ll be able to fix it herself for a lifetime.”  I’ve never actually said that to him, but one day I will.

Believe it or not, thanks to Paul, I have actually learned a few things on the computer. I can use a video conferencing app. fairly well and host two different weekly meetings.  I know, I’m impressed with myself too.  I was motivated to learn them by the lack of my usual social activities due to the pandemic.  If I didn’t use the app, I couldn’t see my writing group or other old friends. I also began facilitating a social group for seniors. Of course, using this program isn’t rocket science, but I like to think it is. 

Another reason for my shouting is that I’ve had some hearing loss after teaching for many years.  When I watch TV, I typically “turn on the words” which is my technical lingo for using captions. I also turn the volume so loud the TV can be heard across town or at least down the block.  When I finally got around to watching “The Crown,” which is a great series by the way, Paul could easily hear the show while he worked so he closed his door.  I guess he was tired of hearing, “Your Majesty…”

          The bad part about his shut door is that when I’m confused while trying to use the four different remotes to switch from Netflix to TV (and vice-versa,) and shout for him to help, he can’t hear me.  I have to get up from my comfortable position sprawled on the couch and walk to his study only to find the door closed.  I guess he must be working, I’ll think to myself.

I also talk loudly on the phone while cleaning the house or cooking. I use ear buds so I can use both hands for my chores.  Of course Paul will close his door during those times.  I never hear him slam his door, but I wouldn’t blame him if he did.

Maybe Paul likes my company and thinks it’s worth the interruptions.  I always make his complicated salad for lunch and that’s no small chore.  He likes greens covered in cut up carrots, red peppers, sliced turkey, avocado, celery, a hard-boiled egg, and pinto beans.  Very healthy, but I don’t like cutting peppers.  The little seeds are annoying and get all over the counter.  Anyway, I need to do extra to make sure Paul is patient with my lack of technical abilities and my shouting, RIGHT?