How I Annoy My Husband: Introduction

 

How I Annoy My Husband

            I’m not purposely trying to annoy my husband, at least not most of the time. I’m a happily married woman who has been with Paul for seven years, married almost four. I like to think I have a good sense of humor (although others don’t always agree), so I enjoy telling jokes and teasing my husband.  This includes annoying him. My goal is to only slightly irritate Paul, not to the point where he’s contemplating divorce.  After all, I do love the guy.

Unrelated and Annoying Comments During Sporting Events.

            My husband loves sports.  I don’t.   One of the ways I annoy him is by using incorrect terminology while he’s watching a game on TV.  Here is an actual conversation we had a few weeks ago.

            I walked into the living room where Paul was sprawled across the couch watching football. He was wearing worn blue sweat pants and a black tee shirt with the words, “Lebowsky 2020. This aggression will not stand.” on the front. A hand supported his head of disheveled hair.  The scent of green chile lingered in the air from what I assumed was a snack of cheese burrito smothered with the stuff. On the rug, his empty plate sat nearby a plastic tumbler filled halfway with water. Paul glanced at the cup every few seconds. Our cat Rufus had been slowly edging closer to the water with the aim of sticking a furry paw in it and Paul was ready to say “quit it” in a stern voice.

            Paul might have been watching the Super Bowl, but I doubted it because he hadn’t called me in to see the entertaining commercials or the halftime show. The crowd alternately cheered and booed. Large men ran in what appeared to be random directions. Hands on hips, I stood several feet away from the couch for several seconds.

 “What are you doing?”  I asked.

            “Knitting,” he answered while staring intently at the set. 

            “Ha, ha,” I said with a deadpan voice.

 I watched for several more minutes.  When I looked at Paul, I saw him glance at me to figure out what I was up to.

            “I like the purple outfits, so I hope they win.” I told him.

            Paul rolled his eyes and said, “They’re called uniforms.”

            “How many runs did they each get?”

            “They get points in football.  Don’t you have something to do?”

            Mission Accomplished!

            During a baseball game, I asked, “Who has the most balls?”

            “They’re called runs” he said.

            “I’m voting for the blue team. I like their outfits.”

“We say rooting not voting.”  He didn’t bother to correct “outfits.” He knew what I was up to.

            During a basketball game I once said the following:

“I don’t understand why Steph keeps pushing that guard out of his mouth. It’s kinda gross.  Why doesn't his wife or mother talk to him about it? “

            “Maybe they don’t care,” Paul said.

“Well, it’s not sanitary.  What if he drops it?  And look how funny he looks with the towel on his head!”

            Paul sighed loudly.

            Mission accomplished!

How I Annoy My Husband by Leaving the Lights on and more.

            I am a busy woman and a bit distractible.  I often work on accomplishing several goals at the same time-- a true multi-tasker.  I might start brushing my teeth at the bathroom sink and remember I want some  herbal tea.  I see no problem in walking to the kitchen with a toothbrush in my mouth, foam dripping down my chin and a white spot of toothpaste on my shirt. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth when I thought about the tea.  I’m sure it happens to everyone.

            Paul’s only problem with this scenario is that I left the bathroom light on when I walked out of the room.  He’ll say something like, “Oh, I’ll turn that light off for you.”  Or “I’ll turn that light off for you, young lady” depending on his mood.

            Sometimes I notice him looking towards the bedroom closet after I’ve closed it.  “I was just going to turn off that light,” I say apologetically.

            I leave lights on a lot, but it’s not on purpose.  Paul often seems to follow me around the house turning off lights.  I guess he logs a lot of steps that way.    Another scenario related to light is our preference for it. I like rooms well-lit and Paul likes them dim or completely dark.  I think he’s part cat and can still see in the dark.  My night vision is so bad I often walk into things like walls or chairs when it’s not bright in a room.  It’s not a pretty sight, but only Paul can see it. 

            Bump. Crash. “Ouch! I can’t see!” I shout and turn on the light.

            “Ugh, it’s too bright!” He complains while wincing.

            I also annoy my Paul by leaving the refrigerator open.  This is related to my multi-tasking. It often happens this way:

            I’m still half asleep as I make my breakfast.  The smell of brewing coffee fills the air. I’m wearing flannel leopard print pajamas (or the flannel pink spotted ones) and standing near the kitchen counter. I’ve put a mug of water in the microwave, Fiber One cereal in a bowl, and an orange on my plate. I need the milk so I open the refrigerator, get the milk, pour it on my cereal and leave the container on the counter.

     When the microwave dings, I get a tea bag from the cabinet, take the water out of the microwave, and drop the tea bag in my mug.  As I cut up my naval orange, I notice a chill on my back, but I figure it’s just a draft.  Paul walks into the kitchen and says, “I’ll close the refrigerator for you” or “I’ll close the refrigerator for you, young lady,” depending on his mood.